Whoever is reading this.
You know, life has not been too easy these past few years. Actually, life has never been easy for me after I hit the age of 11 when my parents were going thru a marital split. I have always had to be the strong one since then, I was the only adult in my family of 5. Guess I grew up too fast. Took on the entire burden of everyone and everything.
Ok tonight is gonna be a long night cos I’m washed in heavy emotions. I actually wrote to Sophie, but it is not enough. I need the world to read this. I’m crying in bed as I write this. No, I am NOT PMS-ing. I’m just in a horrible state right now. And tracing back timeline of events that happened this year.
Where do I start? I’m not gonna talk about the emotional abuse part cos that has significantly reduced. I’m good on that aspect. I’ve become so strong, did some cut-the-cord work and I am glad to report that I’m no longer affected as badly as before. So clear on that.
This is a spiral effect. Something happens, triggers my memory, and flashback.. and boom bham wham.. I get transported.
Ok honestly, this whole year has been such a HUGE mess! And I can’t seem to get over the fact that I am no longer in my counselling job. Yes, earlier this year in Feb, I took on a job as a school counsellor. They put us thru training and then into the school.
See, I’m a very empathic person. Actually, I get people’s emotions very easily. It’s just a bang in my face. I am very sensitive to people and my surroundings- Empath. What more can I say!?
Anyway, I started the counselling job on a high note! I was eager to learn, and was quite involved in the beginning. But about 2-3 weeks in, I started getting very very drained. My friend said it’s normal cos when she started her job after a long time, she was also very drained but within 2 months, she got settled in and noa longer drained. I was jobless for 1.5yrs before this counselling job came along ok! So I thought ok give myself some time.
But what happened is that I was super drained when we started doing the microskills class. I always felt gone. Couldnt sit down from 9am to 5pm doing this counselling shit. Coming up with scenarios, counselling those scenarios etc. It was very draining on me by the time 2-3pm rolled by.
I couldn’t take the intense mental stimulation and practice of empathic skills everyday from 8am to 5pm. But I trudged in. After all, I’m not a quitter!!!! But everything seemed like an uphill battle from then on.
I couldnt understand doing the essays which required all this journal readings and citations and all that shit. Academic writing is just not my shit. I’m the creative kinda writing person. Now in my new role, I write executive communications which sometimes includes numbers and results and performance, but at least I am learning something new, and feel that I am writing to an audience and sharing inportant news!
I can go on and on about the counselling shit. Seriously, counselling is not what I expected it to be. To me, counselling is listening to people speak, hearing them out, giving thema dose of confidence.. and let them go and make their lives!!
But what it turned out to be!? I have to learn all these skills and tios and techniques for every single issue out there from anger management to gaming addiction to this to that stress management etc. And share them with the kids. Like hello!!! Let the kids grow some spine!!!??? Why are we cajoling and spoon feeding them so much!??
I got tired with the requirements. It was too technical, too scientific… too much theory based. WTF!!
Counselling was about THEORIES!!! When I first went in, I was asked what theory I practiced!? Huhhh!!?? I am a human. I do human therapy. Not scientific theories. I find that a lot of the counsellors have lost on the human touch cos they are using scientific methods to guide them with counselling. To be honest, ppl in emotional pain just need someone to hear them out and just listen. That’s all.
I hated it when some mates wiuld use their counselling theories on me. It felt super fake. Even when I met my friends, I didnt know how to take down that counsellor’s hat. It became so ingrained in me, I was going crazy amd analysing and doing “counselling” on them when they were just randomly talking to me! It was that bad!! I never had a shut down time. I spoke in counselling lingo- “and then, and then, and then…”, “hmm tell me more..”, “uh huh…” etc etc.. woah I was going mad!! It took me about 2-3 months+ to break away from it cos I was conscious about it. Thank God, it substantially reduced over time. Bow, I am left with maybe 5-10% counselling lingo in my blood? I just want to eradicate it forever!!!! Cos I feel so disgusted. That I have lost myself. Being a counsellor.
Yes. I have lost myself. I never met any friends. I was too zapped out. All I wanted was to eat junk food after training/work at 4-5pm. I would buy kfc/mcd and come home, plonk in front of the tv, watch mindless tv, and just EAT! And sometimes, I will even just eat in bed. Bed was my best friend. I loved my bed. It was so comforting. And then I will sleep at 5-6pm sometimes.. cos I was super drained.
Oh and gym!? Please! It was a 5-10min walk from my training school to the gym! But, I was so fed up, so drained, so zapped, all I wanted was to just head home and cocoon up ASAP!! Which was what I did!
And that led me to this- why I needed to write this post. A super long one tgat got even longer sith this sentence. It’s ok once this blog becomes a book, people will devour to read my stories.
– i chose not to be a victim. Right now, at this moment, i can for once let it dissolve. Stop being the victim. Your gains and loses in that phase of life, will you let that dictate who you are and what you gonna be? Or acvept it that that happemed, and move on. Accept that I went thru that horrible repulsive state of life, and now, I can move on… follow my heart and move on-
Closure Part 1
Whoever is reading this.